As of 4 a.m. this morning, it's now officially been a year that I have been struggling full time with this vertigo. :-[. Before that, I had had bouts of struggling with it. Numerous bouts. More than I had thought. Or so I found a couple of months ago, when slowly working my way through our old blog looking for something. But it was 4:00 a.m. on January 12th of 2010 that I woke up with all out symptoms of it.
I am thankful that I don't constantly have all out symptoms. For me, that is the equivalent of riding on a full speed merry-go-round and a full speed tilt-a-world at the same time. So-o-o-o thankful that I seldom have full symptoms!!!!!
Everyday I wake up hoping to find that my symptoms have vanished. But this morning, the hope was even greater. After all, today marked a full year. But alas, yet again, my hopes were crushed.
What Lord? What is it that you are trying to teach me through this that I have not yet learned? I know I don't always catch on to things quickly. Even things that looking back, should have been blatantly obvious. Let alone the things which make me think "come on Cheryl, it wasn't that hard, how slow are you?!?"
It's been a year. A solid year. Preceded by all of the splotches of it. My heart gets so heavy with fear over the thought that perhaps this is permanent. To spend the rest of my life like this ... . Yes, I am currently in my early fifties. But I am ONLY in my early fifties!!! I have many years of life ahead of me. And I do NOT wish to spend them constantly dizzy and nauseous, etc.. But I don't necessarily get to chose on this subject, do I?
I have the metal black saying that Pam R. had gifted to us a couple of years ago hanging on the back door, so that every time that I am the one to let Boo in and out, I see those words, "In everything give thanks".
Giving thanks for this vertigo is such a challenge!!! Such an half hour by half hour, seeing what needs to be done, but getting sick to my stomach dizzy when attempting to do it, challenge. Being totally dependent on others for errands that need handled, and chores that need done, and feeling trapped, challenge. I could go on, but it would just sound like I am whining. I do not wish to whine. Honest. I am just so tired of all of it, and my heart is so heavy with the continuance of it all.